Forgiving My Younger Self
Writer: Elle Chavis
Editors: Riley Zachem and Kate Mintz
I sometimes have a hard time reconciling who I used to be with who I am now. I used to hate my younger self: she was silly and naive. I eagerly took any opportunity to make fun of her. Especially at college, I constantly found myself telling my friends how happy I was that they didn’t know me when I was younger because I was such a weird kid.
Weird as in, I went through a phase where I would randomly start singing songs from my favorite musicals when no one asked me to. I loved nothing more than making VideoStar music videos with my friends to every song from Taylor Swift’s 1989.
Looking back at my Snapchat memories used to make me cringe. Seeing old pictures of myself with girls I no longer spoke to made me angry. Couldn’t my younger self see those girls didn’t care about her? Why didn’t she realize choosing friends based on popularity would always backfire? Couldn’t she foresee the sleepless, tear-filled nights her ignorant actions would cost her?
I persisted in that cycle of despising my younger self for everything until I discussed this topic with an older friend. She mentioned how she wished her younger self had realized she didn’t want to go down a particular career path and was only doing so because of her family’s expectations. I jokingly told her that everyone hates their younger self, but we must forgive them eventually.
She said something I think will stick with me forever: “We don’t have to forgive them because there really isn't anything to forgive. Your younger self could not have done anything different with the information she had.”
Her words forced me to take a step back. Of course, I could look back and cringe at my younger self’s actions after living through consequences. Looking back with disgust is easy when I have the benefit of hindsight. My younger self did not have that benefit. Everything she did, she did from the state of mind she was in back then. I can’t be mad at my younger self for dressing like an awkward 12-year-old because she was an awkward 12-year-old. What else was she supposed to do? I can’t be angry at my younger self for believing everyone was good and people wouldn’t betray her. Were her beliefs a little naive? Sure, but I should celebrate the innocence of the world I used to have.
These realizations don’t mean that my embarrassment about parts of my past is invalid. It’s normal to have regrets or wish things had gone differently, but, at the same time, I have come to realize the importance and power of appreciating, and loving, my past self.
I may not randomly break out into songs or create elaborate backstories to “Out of the Woods” anymore, but I am slowly starting to love the little girl who once did. Those parts of myself helped shape some of the best memories of my life and helped me become who I am today. That silly little girl laid the foundation for the accomplished young woman I am today.
